A Turning Point\Time

**I love these authors’ notes.  They make me smile.  

I just expressed my thoughts on T-I-M-E in an article called “Time.”  (click the link if you would like to review) How ironic is it that I  originally posted this article entitled “Time” on November 3, 2016?  Care to talk about where “Time” has gone?  That was five years ago!  

I could write so many things in the preface to this.  I could talk about how “everyday life just the same” drives me nuts now.  But, I remind myself every day is an adventure when I am “about my father’s business.”  

I could write about how I don’t need change to hold on to faith; just let God lead!  Adventure is an understatement when He is in control, and I cannot accomplish letting Him lead without faith.  If I were honest (usually on Tuesdays, I am), I’m in a “what’s the point” frame of mind with my current employment situation.  I struggle; I digress.  

I will talk about joining the blogging group.  It was a Facebook blogging group.  Sounds harmless, right??  Not so much.  Had the ex-husband known that I was A) on Facebook and 2) part of a group where I had conversations with people that weren’t him, all literal hell would have broken loose.  God only knows what torture I would have endured.  It was a BOLD move for me.  Thankfully, he had no interest in my writing.  It held no value for him, and never in a million years would he read anything I ever wrote!  Praise God!!  So, yes, I was scared half to death.  However, I still have friends from that blogging group.  Those ladies captured my heart that fall.  On a side note, my article made it to publication.  And nope, I never told the ex-husband.  He didn’t deserve to enjoy my satisfaction.  I am not sure I told anyone.  I still don’t tell anyone about my writing; some things just don’t change.

I could write a million volumes on me and my fear.  I never knew I had a best friend until I tried to unfriend fear.  Someday I will have time (totally laughing out loud here) to write “unfriending fear” down in grammatically correct sentences.  Until such time, just know I no longer live there!  Indeed you can applaud; I’ll wait.  

Lastly, the “season of holiday.” My gratitude journey that November led to the most worshipful Christmas season ever.  No lights, no decor, just me and baby Jesus alone in the barn.  I cannot and will not trade those memories for anything on the face of this earth.  I get teary just remembering.  Everything changes when it’s just you and baby Jesus in the barn.  The ex-husband hated the fact that I had peace.  When himself came home that Christmas (for those of you who are new, he was an over-the-road truck driver), he demanded that we divide up all our belongings because he “couldn’t live like this.” Fine by me, when I did make my exodus, it made it so very simple.  I think God had a plan already.  

I love looking back.  Remembering those moments, even though they are interwoven in some nasty circumstances, helps me see who God really is.  I can’t just throw away all my past; it must be carefully sifted.  I pick out the awful, the shameful, the painful, and all the yuck and send them back to hell where they belong. What’s left is a treasure trove of little miracles–my life.  

For those of you who say, “forget the past,” I say don’t.  Take your sifter, your hanky, a trusted friend, your security banky, and go to work.  Unwind that mess! “I wish I wouldn’t have,” said NO ONE EVER!!  Yes, it takes that four-letter word (TIME–don’t say it too loudly), but you will have your very own miracles to ponder.  

“The moon keeps chasing the sun all the while it stands still waiting to be caught”–one of my favorite me quotes!

Time is merely a thought that runs circles around my head–past, present, and future.  One day here, another day there, and I don’t think I ever really know.  If I were to give time much thought, I would pass out from the dizzying intellect of it all.  Do I dive into the mine shafts of time or skate circles on the surface?

Two weeks, now a vapor in my world, gone. I’m still not sure where the weeks went.  Himself was home, gone, home again, and then gone.  One week we spent driving an hour and a half one way to his training classes.  He is now an instructor, which has changed my world yet again.  Just when I think I find familiarity in a typical pattern, everything shifts.  I confess that I long for a routine.  I long for a very repetitious, every day the same boring day like the one before, life.  God reminds me I’ve drowned many times in the pond of stagnation.  My mind wanders in the boring.  In the normal, I become complacent.  Change keeps me in that place of faith, the home for which I long, where deep still calls to deep.  

For a change, I am taking a few steps of faith.  Usually, I allow the world to change around me; I adapt.  I never know when the earth will crumble and my world falls out from under me, so I play it safe.  I do not willingly execute change.  Past experience taught me not to be brave or bold.  Today, I am the catalyst of action.

I am now part of a blogging group.  This requires that I play nicely with others.  Not that I’m mean or take crayons from others, this just involves interaction.  I am the one in the corner playing with imaginary friends.  Soon, I will be a guest on another’s blog.  As well, I will play gracious host and invite a friend over to play at my place.  I will put on a pot of tea (slowly, I’m trying to transition from iced to hot tea as the seasons change).  This transpired late one night while I was fueled with boldness.  I felt this was a stellar idea and didn’t hesitate to sign up.  The following day brought me a double helping of bashful and what the heck just happened. 

I blame God; he is the only explanation I can give to this.  He keeps pushing me.  I told Him that I was outside my boundaries.  He drew new boundaries with His special God chalk that can’t contract, only expand, and never erase.  He then told me I was still inside the lines.  He won’t let me go back to the place of hiding. He blocked the entrance. I’m forced to trust Him in the unknown while we pioneer a new way.   

After joining a group, I accidentally sent off a piece for potential publication.  I don’t expect it to be publicized.  I digress; that is not the point.   I have a fear of the word “send,” which evokes sheer terror in my soul.  The potential exists for someone to possibly read the words I scribbled on a page after I hit “send.” Yes, I know I have a blog, but I try not to think about people reading what I write.  I agree; it makes little sense.  But neither does living bound by pretend chains of fear.  They were thrown off ages ago when perfect love walked into hell and paid my ransom, but I keep them on out of comfort.  Fear is routine.  I have it memorized.  My comfort zone could be why God found it funny to be pushy with me as of late.  Oh, the lessons of my salvation!  Can we skip the chalk talk and just get to the glorious ever after part?  Yes, yes, a long journey is the gift. 

Here I arrive at the last item on my agenda today; gratitude, thanks, or pick another synonym.  I am (self-proclaimed) not the most thankful human on the planet, especially this time of year.  Due to past circumstances, I tend to become withdrawn and highly cynical, like a hibernating grizzly bear enduring a long Wyoming winter.  I feel I am not alone in this. God’s idea, not mine, is that maybe I should practice some daily gratitude and see what happens during this season of holiday.  Marvelous!  Until I realized He intended for me to take it one step further–announce my intentions and put it into print.  I told you God was getting pushy with me.  Consequently, I will accept the challenge of daily thanksgiving (sarcasm-free).  

Today, I am thankful I have a pushy God.  He nudges.  When I dig my heels in, hang on to the tree for dear life, and tangle myself in the vines, He picks me up and throws me over the pond of stagnation.  In a test of will, God always wins. It’s best to accept the nudge and, less painful, to take the bridge over the pond of stagnation.  I never take the easy route. Thankfully, God never ever gives up on even the most stubborn.  

If anyone feels compelled to join me on the daily writing of thanksgiving, please do.  I would love the company, although not afraid to pioneer alone.  There is strength in numbers and gratitude kills what ails this season!  

“I have come to this place in my life, I’m full but I’ve not satisfied this longing to have more of you.  I can feel my heart is convinced, I’m thirsty, my soul can’t be quenched….”