**Editor’s note–This article was initially written and published in February 2017. It took all the bravery I had in the entire world. Until this point in my life, I denied having children. The shame I went through when someone asked me if I had kids was unbearable. I had no explanations, so I lied about everything. I lived in an alternate reality making up whatever story I wanted to tell.
What I didn’t know was that by telling my story, healing would begin. I had no clue that bringing these secrets into the light where they held no power would be life-changing.
“Therefore, confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.” James 5:16
It didn’t happen overnight, but I finally forgave myself. I believed I did not deserve to be forgiven. The cross said otherwise.
The relationships with my kiddos are slowly coming around. I know God can and He will restore. He promised and I hold onto His words with all I am.
Once again, Momma, I will tell you–do not quit; do not give up.
I walked away in the middle of life, left a husband and three kids, and never returned.
You and I both could use a lot of words to describe myself; they would fit accordingly. Mothers do not run away. For fifteen years, I kept this secret. By those who somehow found out, I was mocked, judged, cursed, and left to drown in my shameful sin.
When asked to define my life in a single word, I would say, “failure.” That one little word heavy with weight set the standard for my life and permeated every fiber of my being. I believed in failure and allowed failure to pull me down and drown me under the water of anxiety, depression, and fear.
Then God said, “enough!”
Maybe you’re not like me. Perhaps you live at the corner of Betty Crocker and June Cleaver; your crown of faultlessness never tarnishes. Possibly, you are the mom whose children set the bar of impeccability; “failure” never crosses your lips. I admire and applaud you, but that is not me.
I listen to the stories adult children tell of how their parents ruined their lives and harmed them spiritually, emotionally, and mentally in one way or another. I see those ladies trying to recover from the scars of a “failure mom.” I hear the horror stories and see the statistical devastation. I know the aftermath “failure” moms leave upon society and all I can say is, “I am that mother.”
Then again, maybe you are like me; you struggle with failing your children in one way or another. Perchance you’ve not been the mom God called you to be, and you have harmed them and left them out to dry.
If you struggle, if you answer to “failure,” please hear me. God is still in control; there is hope.
It’s not all your fault
I have a broken relationship with all three of my now-adult children that time is not mending. I don’t know too much about them, except they are not serving or even following God. I see them and see their lives, while according to the world, they are “fine,” my heart hurts for what could have been. Eternity looms on the horizon.
Even as I write, I struggle with accepting the entirety of this blame. “It’s all my fault,” haunts me. “Shame” keeps me in the realms of guilt. Had I continued raising them according to how I was raising them, they might be different. Maybe. God wrote the book long before I left. I made choices. They made choices.
To the mom defined by failure, accept responsibility for your actions. Only take the part that is yours because the evils of this world will try to convince you that it is ALL your fault. The sins of the world are not yours to bear. Take your failures and drop them at the foot of the cross, lest His death is in vain. He didn’t die for nothing; He died for your mess, your guilt, and your shame.
Accept God’s grace
We all fail. We all fall short of the glory of God. Even if you are the perfection of motherhood, you are still a sinner. Momma, God sees you. He sees your tear-stained face lying in the dirt with your accusers ready to throw stones and judge you for being worthless–a nasty sinner. Let He who is without sin cast the first stone. “Woman,” Jesus says. “Where are your accusers? Go and sin no more.” Forgiveness is for you. It is by His grace you are set free.
For me, there is no measurement of tears, penance, or retribution to earn forgiveness for leaving my children. I have tried. It is only God’s grace that says, “you are forgiven. Stop trying to earn forgiveness by locking yourself in a prison of oppression. You cannot do time for this crime. Accept my grace.”
To the weary mom, tired from trying to earn your way into forgiveness, God’s grace is enough. It is all you need. These are hurts that you cannot change. The past is final. There is no going back, only forward. Pick yourself up from the dirt, leave the word “failure” behind, accept the grace of forgiveness that your savior has graciously given to you, and fix your heart upon Him. “Go and sin no more.”
Never quit
Maybe your child traveled down the wrong path and is sitting alone in jail today. Perhaps your child has failed fifth grade math for the second time and your peers laugh at you. Possibly your child is the bully or a liar and a cheat. You are likely at wit’s end with your child and ready to give up all hope. Don’t.
Don’t give up, don’t quit, and don’t take the easy way out.
God has promised that His word will never return void (Isaiah 55:11). He promised that He would complete the good work He started (Philippians 1:6). His word says He will never give up (Hebrews 10:23). Did He quit on you? Take your shield of faith and fight for your child.
Many years ago, when I disappeared without a trace, I had a mother who never gave up. She never missed a day of praying the word of God into my life. Mom never missed an opportunity to thank God for keeping her baby safe. She knew in faith that one day I would come home. She wouldn’t live to see who I am today; however, she never stopped believing for one moment. Praise God for that!
The prayers of a righteous mom prevail and faith is God’s delivery system. (James 5:16)
To the mom who wants to quit, even if math is where your struggles lie, do not stop believing in faith. Fight for your child from your knees. When the battle endures and fifteen years pass without a word from your child, please don’t give up.
Had my mother resigned herself to my fate and said, “that’s just how she’s gonna be,” I would not be a living testimony to the saving grace of Jesus Christ.
One day, my children will tell the story of a “failure mom” who came to her senses and refused to quit fighting. They will testify to the saving grace of Jesus Christ.
It’s never too late
It took years of running from God before I stopped and came to my senses. It took the death of my parents and the loss of everything good in my life, and it took seeing hell face to face to bring me back. There is a lot I missed and many prayers I didn’t pray.
It is never too late to begin again. It’s never too late to pick up your sword and your shield and go to work.
If your child is breathing, it’s not too late.
Replace the word “failure” with “warrior” by vowing to fight. You have the God of the known and unknown universe on your side, and in Him, there is no failure.
Do not grow weary doing good. Do not grow weary from the fight. Stay the course and run the race as if your child’s eternity depends upon it because it does (Galatians 6:9).
To the mom that struggles with failure, please believe me when I say you are not!