The Journey from here to there

“Who are you?  What do you do?  Where do you come from?  Where do you live? What’s your story?”  And so the list goes.  I’m relatively adept at answering questions to a point.  I prefer vague; it’s my specialty.  Writing my answers in story form is my forte.  Audibly?  I blankly stare.  Behind the scenes, the wheels in my head are churning out sentences and editing them appropriately.  By the time words make it to my mouth, the conversation has reached an awkwardly silent point, and the initiator gives up.  A smile and a wink–how will I cleverly memorialize this scene into story form?  Oh, how I love to tell stories.  

Even questions about “The Journey of a Million Miles” throw me for a loop. (**Blank stare, blinks eyes**)  I think about just handing out cards with the address printed on them; I think it would suffice.  Recently, my mind came to a complete halt when asked, “Who’s your audience?”

“My audience?” one eyebrow raised, puzzled, as I look around me.

“Yeah, your audience.  For whom are you writing?  What type of readers do you attract?” 

“Ones that can read,” is my flat reply.  Some days I can be a bit smart.  Only I find this clever.  

“Seriously now, this is serious stuff here.  Who do you want reading your blog?”  

“Sinners,”  I answer myself emphatically, “Sinners, the people that made a mockery out of their lives. The folks that blatantly turned their backs on the very same God that made them.  The ones that have fallen flat, failed miserably, given up, and quit.  The losers that lay face down on the carpet and sobbed for days wishing for death because they hurt so bad need to read my blog.   I write to those who are saved by grace and those yet to be saved by grace.”  

Now God has us where he wants us, with all the time in this world and the next to shower grace and kindness upon us in Christ Jesus. Saving is all his idea, and all his work. All we do is trust him enough to let him do it. It’s God’s gift from start to finish! We don’t play the major role. If we did, we’d probably go around bragging that we’d done the whole thing! No, we neither make nor save ourselves. God does both the making and saving. He creates each of us by Christ Jesus to join him in the work he does, the good work he has gotten ready for us to do, work we had better be doing.

Ephesians 2:7‭-‬10 MSG

My intended audience is my God, although he already knows.  I think he likes it when I form my thoughts into words, put them on paper, and release them.  He begs me to let go so my hurts can heal.  This blog just gives me direction and a platform to begin.  

**Sidenote–I do have writing goals and am working towards them.  I don’t share those yet out of fear. I met some opposition.  Plus, I am cautious when it comes to sharing my vision.  It’s personal.  One day,  I will triumphantly say, “I told you so!”  But that is a different story for a different day.  

For years, I struggled.  I struggled, longing to be a part of this world, to be accepted by this world.  As a child, it led to many tear-filled nights and a journal with soggy, heart-wrenching pages.  (To be honest, I would love to have those pages now.  I remember the pain, I remember the tears, but I don’t recall the words. I would like to celebrate victories with my younger self.  I made it out alive!)  Even as a (wishful) wiser adult, I still struggle.  

When God said to me, “This is where I want you,” I knew to fully follow Him and see what he could do for me, I had to get over trying to fit in; always striving to be the best, wanting to belong in a culture I know nothing about.  God, in His infinite wisdom, just wants me to be me.  He wants me to be the me He made.  God wants me to be the me He made with the personality He gave me, odd as it may be.  (I’m sure He did it for a perfect reason).  

So, here I am.  I’m not a competitive blogger seeking fame, fortune, and a million likes.  I’d simply like to hear my heavenly Father say, “nice job there, kiddo!”  I’d like to release some hurt from my heart.  I can only be filled to the measure I have emptied out.  As well, there’s a gift locked somewhere inside me, and I’d like to find it and put it to good use.  Plus, I have this intense, insane desire to write, and it will not go away.  But more than anything, I have a story to tell.  I’d like to give Jesus Christ credit for His saving grace.  I was once lost, but He found me, cleaned me up, and gave me the dynamite to destroy the brick wall around my heart.  

Simply stated, God is good and I would like to showcase His heart.  He is my audience of one.  To Him be the glory and the honor.

Oh Jesus…you gave me life before my momma even knew who I was. 

You called to me before I even knew you.  You have given me a voice, let me speak fearlessly. 

You gave me personality, let me use that for you. 

Give me strength to be me, and never get lost when this world tries to tell me that being me is not good enough. 

May I always hear that still small voice above all other noise and believe that I am worth fighting for. 

God you are the lover of my heart, use this broken vessel for your glory and yours alone!