Time

 An entire month has flown by and I haven’t even blinked.  Time.  My four-letter word. 

I love writing.  I love sitting down in my old rickety red chair at my desk that is too tall and crafting words on paper.  I love when the thoughts in my head come full circle and actually make sense.  However, I have a full-time job—a household to manage.  Occasionally my sweet husband needs food (sorry honey, Mcdonald’s is suitable for you).  There are also a couple of ministries in the church to which I devote my time.  Somedays, I get grouchy about this lengthy list.  I’m incredibly cranky when my brain is a sticky mess of mismatched thoughts begging for organization with the clickety-clack of my fingers on the keyboard. I’m usually dashing out the door to work when it culminates.  Sigh, big sigh.  

“I know you know the plans you have for me, Lord, plans to prosper me.  Plans not to harm me.  You have plans to give me hope and a good future because you are a good God.  But I still have to go to work,” Being honest, that is the prayer I growl in my frustration on oh so many occasions.  

There was a time in my past when I had ample time to sit and write.  I look back on that fondly until I remember the circumstances.  Even the Israelites wanted to go back to Egypt.  Time was all I had.  I had no job and wrote under cover of darkness.  It sounds delightful!  However, I was not allowed to leave my little house in the woods.  I was allowed to do yard work as my keep; seventy-five dollars a week for my meals and whatnots.  Associating with other humans was not allowed nor was much of anything else.  Oh, yes, I had plenty of time.  

I praise God for that summer, fall, and winter.  He met me in my captivity and we bonded as father and daughter.  So much was done and undone.  Had it not been for that time, I would not be where I am now, free of a lot of bondage.  I am set free; praise God!!  So when I stop my crying and back off a few steps, I realize I am alive.  I am thankful.  

God sincerely knows the plans He has for my life.  His word says so.  He honestly knows what he is doing and I have come to the place I trust that. “There is time, girl. There is time.  Just keep walking; you are doing just fine.” He encourages me.  He has the desires of my heart close to His.  I know this for sure because I asked Him to put them there.  

“Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.” Psalm 37:4

For now, I am being obedient and following his lead.  I have a few hours here and there that I steal to write what swirls in my noggin.  Like today, thank you, Jesus!  

In His gentle ways, my Abba Papa reminds me, “In the middle of where you are, be faithful.  Right where you are, seek Me continuously.  My yoke is easy and my burden is light.”  

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30

And what I hear says that to obey is better than sacrifice.  I hear God saying to walk in His ways.  When I am doing His will, His way and not mine, the path is not treacherous.  I still have to put forth the effort and place one foot in front of the other.  With each step, there is a blessing. It’s then I realize that I’m busy but not overwhelmed.  My life is overflowing with Joy.  My energy level grows when I am “about my Father’s business.”  I’m just pouty because I want to do what I want to do.  Selfish.  I let go of the never-ceasing self will struggle; I surrender and do what He has asked.  I pray for the peace and prosperity of the community he called me to.  He has a plan and I am living it.  I chose to let him lead this time.  

Way back in the day, we had a conversation on my porch.  God asked me if I was ready to do it right this time; I said, “maybe?” I could hear God rolling His eyes at me.  It’s been a crazy journey, yet I put my crayons down and backed away slowly.  I asked Him to lead.  I promised I would provide Him the blank canvas of my life and let Him color the scene.  The word is “surrender.”  It’s not easy.  I grumble a lot—I fiend for my agenda day in and day out.  I drew a map and charted my course once.  Oh man, it was brutal, not doing it again.  Nope.    

Sister reminds me of Paul, tentmaker and author Paul.  He had to work, had a ministry, and still found time to write.  I laugh; good point, Sis.  

October 12th was the last moment I had at my desk.  It was that same day God asked me to lay my stolen moments on the altar.  He asked me to give him all my hours in the day to use as He sees fit.  I agreed.  A very vivid scene of Abraham wrestling all night with his obedient decision plays out in my head.  Ok, so I’m not fixing to drive a knife in the heart of my only child; yes, there is a difference.  But Abraham didn’t just joyfully agree to what God asked of him.  He agonized a whole night before he gathered his child. I’m sure Abraham cried; I know I did. It’s just time, not my kid, am I nuts??  But those are my stolen moments to do what I adore.  Who cares if anyone reads what I write, it’s my heart.  My my my.  

“Burden easy, yoke light,” I chant repeatedly. “You have plans. You have plans!  Arrggghhh!!!  You are perfect, Lord, and you have never failed me.  You know what you are doing. Here’s my time. Take it before I change my mind.” 

You know what, the heavens didn’t open, angels didn’t sing, and I cried.  Nope, don’t let me lie to you, I sobbed.  I pulled out all the crayons I hid and laid them at the foot of the cross (they were my favorite ones). “Here’s my agenda, again, Lord.” Promises from His word play on forced repeat.   

He’s asked me to give up stuff before.  I had a similar knee-jerk reaction when He reminded me tithing was not an option.  Then it was giving on top of tithing.  Money was my security blanket and I had zero trust that God would provide.  Scared half to death, I obeyed.  What I have seen Him do with that little nibble of obedience would blow your mind (this is not that post).  Lemme just say, blessed more than I could have ever imagined.   

Now he is asking for my time. I’ve seen what he did with the money I coveted.  Still a little leary, I’m anxious to watch what He will do with my time! I’ve been holding on to it so selfishly, so very tightly.  Incredulous–but kind of exciting.  Years of watching God move, I know He is up to something big.  So, yes!  I will give Him my time.  The words will come, the blank pages will still be here when I have a moment…