In The Game

Originally published September 30, 2016.

**Author’s note–Five quick years have passed since this day; I still remember it like it was yesterday. I was fighting for my sanity and to continue caring about my life. Himself, once again, had unleashed a barrage of mental and verbal abuse. On the one hand, I wanted to lay down and die, literally. On the other, I wanted to be in the game and fight hard. I had no energy and so very little strength…

For so many years prior, I didn’t care. I could have cared less if I lived or died. I was simply existing, numb. Now, I can confess that many of those years I spent numb were drug and alcohol-induced (it hid the pain, if only for a minute). Back in 2016, I couldn’t tell you of that struggle. I was ashamed and full of pride. I was also scared to death Himself would find anything I wrote and use it against me (consequently, I wrote a lot without saying anything). His constant berating of me and the mental and verbal abuse daily kept me trapped in the world of “I don’t care.” At this time in my life, I was genuinely fighting for survival. My battle wasn’t against flesh and blood and I knew it or at least kept telling myself this until I believed it. I had made so much progress and was clinging to God with all I had. One thing I did know was that I didn’t want to go back to where I was.

Looking back, I realize from the moment I asked God to take me where my faith had no borders and I left my forever home in Colorado, my “freedom fight” began. That one moment of surrender set my course. I was confident (for just one moment) that I had heard from God. What the enemy meant for evil and my ultimate destruction, God used for His glory.

On the other side, I can tell you that I am glad I chose to fight even when I didn’t want to. Had I known then that the battle would be epic, drag me through hell, and what I would have to go through to gain freedom, I would have run away scared to death and quit before I started–I would have given up and died. But, thankfully, God gave me one tiny step at a time; and I trusted Him that one tiny step at a time. He is a good God!

I think it is good to look back at the struggle (it was real) and remember. People who see me now assume I have it all together and that my life is simple and easy. Compared to then, my life is unreal; however, I am human and still have struggles.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4 says, “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.”

I sit in my Celebrate Recovery circle and am a beacon of hope. God can and He will, however, this game is rough and tumble; it takes time!

A little bit of silence and a dash of quiet is an excellent recipe for peace. I cherish it. This world will drive me mad (pause, long pause) if I let it.

I’ve been busy, which I love to a point. I’ve painted the shed twice, which involved two trips to Lowe’s (a three-hour round trip each time. Oh, the joys of living outside civilization). I’ve stained the back deck twice and the front once. Stained “big ben,” the log bench that I must figure out how to relocate from front porch to back deck. He weighs more than I. I’ve started re-finishing the cedar furniture with a clear coat. Nearly all our furniture is made from cedar. I was sure I would not have to mow with the frequency of July. Yet, I had to mow and weed eat again! The downed trees (yes, the ones Himself so kindly cut for me ages ago) are dying for removal (my failed attempt at humor). I embarked upon that venture today. It will take me forever to complete. Any spare moment I’ve had, asleep or awake, I’ve been on the phone. Life is lonely on the road and for Himself, I am only a phone call away…

I feel “I don’t care,” slithering his way into my exhaustion. I know that evil a little too well and he’s easy to settle into.

I found the note staring me square in the face this morning. “You won’t want to scratch your eyeballs out if you don’t care. You can fake your way through caring; you’ve done it so many times before. We’re old friends, you and me, we used to be best pals. I miss you! Ps…anger and depression say ‘hi.’ Come see us, peace awaits!”

Admission– I Don’t Care and I do go way back. I Don’t Care was born out of Anger and Depression, and he was a welcomed break from those other two demons that plagued me. I jumped out of the frying pan and right into the oven for a slow death. Death so slowly I didn’t know it was killing me, like cooking a lobster. Sure, that water feels good as the warmth slowly soothes and relaxes me to death.

Frankly, sitting this one out would take much less effort. I could sit in the stands and just be a fan for a while. Ya know, cheer the team on a bit. I am one heck of a cheerleader. The arena is crowded with spectators in the game of “be like Jesus.” The fans want to watch, be associated with, and be part of the action without commitment. No blood, no bruises, no agony, no fight but all the happy feelings. The crowd comes and goes as it pleases, but those in the game are in the game.

“Come to me when you are burdened. Come to me when you are heavy with I Don’t Care. Come to me when you feel hopeless. Come to me when you are too tired to fight. Come to me when you want to scratch your eyeballs out. Come to me when you are angry. Come to me when you want to sneak off the field and into the bleachers. Come to me when….”

Flashback– to a little girl wandering around the house in the middle of the night “rocky me, mommy.” Flashback to a mommy who held that little girl until all the anxiety and fear subsided. “Don’t worry, mommy, if I wake up and you’re not here, I’ll come and get you.”

“Come to me.”

My struggle is not against flesh and blood. I’m going to have it tattooed on my arm, so I remember.

There is no timeout in the game of “be like Jesus.” Nor is there a pause button while I stop to consider its worth. I do not want to be a fan. Yes, it’s easier because the battle ensues on the field while the crowd chants the cheers and eats nachos.

“When you are exhausted and can go no further, but the game goes on. When you are at the end of your rope and the game goes on. When you need peace and rest to play the game, come to ME and I WILL give you rest. Give it all over to me; hand me every bit of your weary baggage. When you are void of care, when anger washes over you like a wave and you wish people were dead, when the fan club wants you back as their president, take my yoke and LEARN from me. It is the game of “be like Jesus.” It’s my game. I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your soul. In me, you find rest, not in I Don’t Care. His burden is depression and anger, my burden is light and my yoke is easy.” (Matthew 11:28-30 in my own words)

Victory in the game, complacency as a fan. I don’t want to simply watch. I am a follower of Christ, not a member of His fan club.

“Go away, I Don’t Care! You are not a part of my life any longer. You are not welcome here. Tell Anger and Depression I don’t live there anymore and don’t say ‘hi’ back. You guys were never really my friends anyhow. You didn’t give me peace as you promised. In fact, you lied to me. We will never be friends again and I’m not sorry. I’m in the game devotedly now, so go back to hell where you belong. Do you remember that day on the cross? The day you thought you won and then found out three days later that you lost? That was all for me, so I don’t have to put up with you. See ya!”

Much needed rest soon follows. Tomorrow is a new day, and a new day equals new mercy!