**Storyteller’s note–Originally published February 9th, 2017, in desperation. I was sick of my current life and had been for a while. I wanted freedom, and I had no clue how to get there. I held myself hostage in my own mind via shame and guilt. I was the cause of so much of my pain, and I didn’t know how to get over that. I did self-destruct.
Several years later, in the middle of a Celebrate Recovery step study, I realized that all I needed to do was accept His forgiveness and believe what Christ did on the cross was on my behalf. My shame and guilt died with Him that day. It was truly a gift, and I needed to accept it. Don’t get me wrong, me forgiving myself did not happen overnight. The Journey of Freedom was a long and arduous climb that took placing one foot in front of the other and not giving up. If you are reading this now and struggling up that hill on your own journey of freedom, don’t give up.
Get Out of My Way–Learning to Forgive Myself
Mean people suck, and I don’t like them. Period.
Recently, I walked into an awkward situation with Mrs. Meanie and found I still could not stand that lady. As often as this happens, she needs to go away permanently. Trapped in a never-ending conversation, I squirmed and wiggled, trying to weasel my way out. Feeling cornered, I gave in, surrendered to my fate, and rolled with the punches. I told myself that I deserved what she had to say. She said my situation was my fault, and I needed to accept this as part of my life. My worthless life was my punishment. I left the meeting with my tail between my legs, slumped into that dark place in my cave, and planned to resurface someday, maybe.
I am mean, my words are ugly, and I am my worst enemy.
Yes, I am Mrs. Meanie.
Like many others (does anyone else care to raise your hand here?), shameful events fill my past. I convince myself that I am the worst of all evils, that no person on the face of the planet would ever stoop as low as me. I cower in shame, beating myself up with a barrage of insults. I remind myself to look down, “don’t let anyone see you. Don’t let anyone know who you are. You are a vile, evil creature. Speak to no one. If you speak, they will realize you are a fake. You are about as worthless as they come for what you have done, and you will live with this shame for the rest of your life. Don’t tell your story. Don’t talk about your past. Bury it deep within yourself and cover it with shame. Live in this guilt because it is what you deserve. You deserve to live in hell.”
I would love to tell you that Mrs. Meanie exaggerated to make a point, but that would be a lie. Those words and many, many more (too viscous to speak in polite company) run on a continual loop between my ears.
Discovering forgiveness simply means it is time to say, “God’s grace is sufficient for me.”
On my journey up the mountain of forgiveness, I have found I need to forgive myself. I am not condoning what I did. My actions were not correct, and I am at fault. Discovering forgiveness simply means it is time to say, “God’s grace is sufficient for me.” Bigger than saying, however, is believing. When God sent His son to die on the cross, that finished it; whether I believe it or not is up to me.
His grace–the grace I do not deserve.
I confess. I look to others for forgiveness–begging and pleading and coming up empty time and time again. But God offers it freely with no strings attached. He writes in the sand for me. He writes words that speak directly into my heart and says, “I forgive you. Go and sin no more. You’re my little girl; I created you. My truth is all that matters in your life. Who does my Word say that you are? What does my truth say about you?”
Hmmm…What does His Truth say about me?
He said to me, “MY grace is sufficient for you, for MY power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast gladly about my weaknesses so that Christ’s power may rest on me. Be strong little girl, be strong in the grace of Christ, and remember you are not saved or forgiven through anything you can do or earn. This grace is a gift from me because I love you. Get up off the ground and stand here beside me. Don’t be afraid to tell your story because it has a happy ending, MY ending! Set the suitcases of your shame and guilt here for me to carry. Accept my grace, and take my hand. My yoke is easy, and my burden is light! Let’s walk your Journey of a Million Miles together.”
2 Corinthians 12:9, 2 Timothy 2:1, Ephesians 2:4-10, Matthew 11:30 in my own words.
It’s easier to climb the mountain of forgiveness without a heavy pack.
The beauty of Christ? Every word of His is Truth. He will never change His mind. He is the only one who can forgive and forget, as far as the east is from the west (a span we cannot cross). He places what I offer to Him for forgiveness in an unretrievable space that doesn’t exist.
And His grace? Well, His grace is just enough for me, forgiven and forgotten. Go and sin no more!