This past week has been relatively nature-less, boring. With the ducts insulated, my head is no longer stuck in the rafters. Thank you, Jesus, for the lower electricity bill that follows.
I’ve been babying a non-injured, swollen elbow. I say “non-injured” because I feel no physical pain. Why is it swollen? Beats me. Like most things in life, I ignore it and carry on.
Insulation project complete, I moved my work back outside. I mowed the lawn, weed-eated my weed eater to death (not to worry, it’s a Craftsman. I returned it to Sears in exchange for a new one), cleared some incredible boulders from my creek to surround my baby trees, and woke up the next morning with a purple ring finger. Apparently, the swelling became a little worse and my ring shrunk four sizes. Himself was adamant about rest. Three days later, I’ve had all the one-handed stillness I can take. Tomorrow, I will return to the outdoors. Maybe I won’t move so many boulders this week. In the meantime…
My mind runneth over. No work makes for busy thoughts, late nights, and much conversation. “Give thanks in advance for the good works I am about to unleash Girl. Watch me as I move in a new way. I call you to pray, not question. I ask you to trust and mind your own business. The heart of another is for me and me alone. Your heart is your business.” God moves in mysterious ways. This frightens me. He just refuses to let me become comfortable in this life.
“All very well and good God, thank you. However, you working in the heart and life of another does directly impact my comfort and tests my sanity. As well, this disrupts my sleep and my work.” I whine back at God.
“I know!” He says, “Mind YOUR heart.”
Oh, crud! Here we go.
“Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. (I have enough of them.) See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” Psalm 139:23-24
My heart, my life…Grow my character through my discomfort. Deepen my faith through my anxiety. Teach me to pray when I cannot sleep. May my sanity always be found in you and you alone. God, work your mighty works…faith without borders, where feet may fail. Standing on the promises of God my savior, I place all my trust in you and you alone.
It wasn’t until I gave up, threw in the towel, and raised the white flag that life began to make a lick of sense. Still, I believe God is crazy. My life is a constant tornado of God. He’s moving pretty fast and furious as of late, and I struggle to keep up.
Isaiah 6:1 “In the year King Uzziah died…” my thoughts swirl, tumble, and come to rest on a familiar sentence of my own, “in the year my mom died…” Long, long pause. Tragedy…all I held as truth removed from my life. All these things I held self-evident–gone. Four and a half years later, I don’t know which packs a bigger punch, the pain of then or the revelation of now.
“In the year King Uzziah died…” Loss of all my spiritual grounding, my rock, and the only constant I had in life. All I regained took a slightly darker turn. While thinking all I professed was good, it was empty. I was empty. I learned a new empty, I reached a new low.
“In the year King Uzziah died…” I quit, I gave up, I gave out, threw it away, and moved on.
“In the year King Uzziah died…” I ran fast and hard. What is this pain? The still small voice thundered, “this is not who you are.”
“I know!” I shout, sprinting faster.
Three years later, “in the year King Uzziah died, I saw the Lord, high and exalted, seated on a throne and the train of his robe filled the temple.” Wait! I’m the temple! He fills me completely! Angels singing holy, holy, holy is the Lord Almighty, with shaking and smoke. “Me? No! I am not worthy. I’m a filthy sinner, pretty bad too, big sin.”
“Oh, but your sins are atoned by the blood of the cross and an empty grave!” He reminds me. And then, then I heard the voice of the Lord saying “Whom shall I send?”
Next thing I know, I heard my voice saying “Here I am!! Send me!” (yes, I put Isaiah 6:1-8 in my own words, it relates to me) I stopped dead in my tracks, I quit running, waved the white flag, and declared surrender. “Holy, holy, holy are you Lord God Almighty! Here I am, send me to where my trust is without borders. Call me out on the water!”
“Are you sure you’re ready, there’s no going back?” The Almighty asks of me.
“Ummm, no.” I reply, “But let’s give it a go anyhow.”
“Do you trust me to move you to the place where your faith is without borders. You must stay, no running no matter how hard it gets. NO MORE RUNNING!! Grace, mercy, forgiveness? Do you believe me? I’m going to test it. I will not let you fail, I will not let you fall. I will push you beyond your means, beyond what you think your limits are. We’ve been here before, and you ran. You must stand this time. Is my message worth it to you? For that one lost soul, is my life’s sacrifice worth suffering? I will take you where trust is without borders and feet will fail.”
For such a time is this. Tragedy is never loss when you see God on His throne. God used my mother’s death to awaken my life.
So, God is on the move and working in the life of another. He is doing big and mighty works. The growing pains of another hurt the crud out of me, inconvenience me, and try to push me over the edge. Consequently, I am finding faith without borders through minding my business.
“I am here, Lord. Your servant. Upon this rock I stand, my trust not built on sinking sand. Your name is Victory, all praise will rise to Christ my King. Trust without borders, where feet may fail.”
And the year King Uzziah died? Tragedy, it took the realization of tragedy to stop me dead in my tracks before I could see God on His throne.