**Author’s note: I’m not sure when this was initially written, possibly somewhere in 2017. In addition, I can’t find where this was ever published (unless I wrote it for someone else’s blog, which is a possibility). What I can tell you is that I wrote this from a very dark, sad place. Allow me to admit, I struggled (past tense!) with depression. If you knew me previously, you might disagree, but there were hints. Here is one such indication…
To the Defeated
The dark silence engulfs you, welcomed blissful nothingness. However, the sun will illuminate the sky and once it does, the pain of living begins again. Closing your eyes for just a moment longer, all your soul craves is rest. Daydreams of Heaven’s freedom intertwine your thoughts. “Get me out of this life; I long for something more,” you pray while the tears of hot agony burn your inner eyelids…
That soul in torment may not be you. You may find yourself living a perfect life untouched by the sting of loss, the agony of pain, or the despair of defeat. Praise God for that! Consequently, this article is not for you. Save it for later; the day may come when you need these words.
Today, I’m writing to the shipwrecked – shattered whose heart is sitting on the island of despair begging for the end so Heaven may begin. To those who’ve lost a parent, spouse, or a child; to those whose husband is in the next room tearing your heart to pieces with his words, actions, and addictions; to those who have lost their children to a callous, stupid mistake and they refuse to utter a word to you; to those of you who stare at your empty cupboards wondering from whence your next meal will come (or all the above), this is for you.
In 2 Chronicles 20, King Jehoshaphat faced vast armies coming at him, attacks from all around. He saw no way. Alarmed, he went to the Lord and then proclaimed a fast for all of Judah. While they fasted, he prayed.
“Lord, the God of our ancestors, are you not the God who is in Heaven? You rule over all the kingdoms of the nations. Power and might are in your hand, and no one can withstand you. Our God, did you not drive out the inhabitants of this land before your people Israel and give it forever to the descendants of Abraham, your friend? They have lived in it and have built in it a sanctuary for your Name, saying, ‘If calamity comes upon us, whether the sword of judgment, or the plague of famine, we will stand in your presence before this temple that bears your Name and will cry out to you in our distress, and you will hear us and save us.’ … Our God, will you not judge them? For we have no power to face this vast army that is attacking us. We do not know what to do, but our eyes are on you.” 2 Chronicles 20:6-9, 12
Do you see your situation right there? Facing a battle you cannot win, the hot tears of heartbreak flood your soul.
The Lord answered back, letting them know (talking to you through the pages of His word as well) that this battle (just like the battle you face) is NOT your battle, but God’s. The Lord encouraged them not to be afraid, nor discouraged, but to face their enemies. King Jehoshaphat bowed down, face first in the dirt, and began to worship the Lord, His God, who is YOUR God. The very same God of 2 Chronicles, the God who was a friend to Abraham, is the same God to whom you cling now. Every word He spoke then is Truth right now. Worship Him for this; praise His holy name.
God says to you, “The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” Deuteronomy 31:8 NIV Take that to heart. He means what He says.
His promises are true!!
Daughter of the King, you may be in that place of life where all the world is against you, and you would rather die than breathe.
Keep going!
Even though you do not feel like it, lift up your voice in praise, fall on your face in your fear and despair and worship Him. You may not feel His presence or see His face, but you must know in your heart and fully believe that His word is Truth and His promise is the only believable promise in this cruel world. Cling tight to His words with the knowledge of that Truth. When your heart cannot find its way out of your chest and all hope disappears, you must believe His words.
For God loved YOU so much that He gave His one and only son to suffer malevolently, to be beaten and bruised, and killed in a ferociously violent way…because HE LOVES YOU that much. — John 3:16 paraphrased
You are worthy of His death. He calls you daughter. Every day you breathe life, He shows just how much He loves you. Look around. Lift up your eyes. From where does your help come? It comes from the same God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, the God who sacrificed His Son for you. Lay down your hurt, lay down your heart. He wants you to believe, to honestly believe that His word is Truth.
Sister, you are hurt and in pain. You may not feel it and you certainly do not see it; please just believe. Hold on to the promises He gave; He will never leave you nor forsake you. Hold onto this Hope–every seed sown in despair will produce fruit in its time. He is God and He calls you daughter. Just believe.
***Author’s end note: This article was a raw look into my life. I carefully crafted the words to make them seem far-fetched. I painted a dramatic picture for some poor soul suffering out there, but this, indeed, was my life. I wrote this to encourage myself. I was barely hanging on and had to dig deep. At the time, I had no people group, no friends, no family. I was isolated and alone by choice; depression hates company. Not a soul knew I was this depressed. I did not talk about it anywhere but here, my blog. No one had time for depression, so I faked my way through it all.
Today, I can talk about it.
Back then, I woke up angry each day of my life just because I woke up. I knew Heaven awaited me and I ached with tears to be there and not be here.
Why was I so depressed? That is a long story. Someday I will unpack all those bags for you. I had childhood secrets stuffed in my pockets that I never felt safe bringing out. My life was supposed to amount to something. Instead, I was clothed in failure; I didn’t measure up to the greatness expected of me. I was not exceptional. With a millstone tied around my neck, I deserved to be tossed into the lake for what I had done, for the life I had lived, and how I hurt so many people I loved. I carried loss upon loss upon loss in a pack on my back. Top it off with the relentless abuse (verbal, physical, emotional, sexual ) from that relationship with himself. I had more weight and pain than any human should bear. I hated my past; I hated my life.
What changed, you ask? In my first Celebrate Recovery “Step Study,” I unloaded all my secrets. I had encouraged myself enough and worshiped from the down and out space that I knew Jesus could, but I sure didn’t know how. All the baggage I carried, I dropped it right at the foot of the cross and, in the act of defiance, announced, “I’m done.” The pain outweighed the fear, finally! When one of the very first questions asked, “what is your family of origin’s secret?” I opened my mouth in that safe place and poured out 45 years’ worth of guilt, shame, and abuse. On the flip side, I learned of this thing called “forgiveness.” I could go on forever, and someday, I will!
To be honest, which I have learned, I love these little articles that I find. I love looking at where I once was and remembering. It showcases God and what He can do. Coming out of depression did not happen overnight and Rome was not built in a day. I knew one thing and prayed one thing, “God, I can’t, but you can.” He did. Each step I took forward, God matched me–step by step. I had to be willing to let go of all I knew and held on to. His yoke is easy and His burden is light.
So now I repost this out of encouragement to someone else. This very well might be you, please know, if God did it for me, He can and will do it for you!
Thank you so much for sharing all of this Carol! God is using you to touch others!
Thank you! God is good and never wastes a hurt!